I Can Has Gawds? - Ragnarok

This'll be a series of attempts to relation Caturday-worshipping (http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page) to Asatru (http://www.religioustolerance.org/asatru.htm). Today's article: Ragnarok => Catnarok

Catnarok

Wer awl scrood. Srsly.

Catnarok wuz da doomz of da Jarmenic gawds. Afta horribul winter lastin 3 yeers, a finul bettuls gonna b foght bah da gawds aggenst da frost dawgs on da plain of Virgidd. On da side of Longcat n da odur gawds are da “gloriuz peeps who got ded”, whho fallened in pwning n wuz taken to leev 4ever as purty angelz in da Ceiling. N wit da gawd of fire and darkness (n da gawd of erif dna ssenkrad), wix iz Tacgnol n da frost dawgs wuz faiting da “unworty peeps who got ded” (unworty meens dey not gud) from da Basement, plus a big hooj wolf dat is liek a big dawg, cal’d Ferretnir (cuz he lieks eating ferrets) dat wen he sayz “i can haz feer?”, all da kittehs go omfg, and plus a vary big fishy kitteh fud cal’d Jormahgod (cuz wen he opens hiz mouths kittehs go “Jor! Mah God!, lol) dat kittehs cant eat cuz he’s big liek a truck only a vetzillions tiem bigger, n iz so big dat wikipedia haz to rite 2 artucles about im.
Der wuz nuthin dat Longcat cud do tah stop dis liek big catastrophe (lol gets it? CATastrophe? I crackz me up), cuz wen Ceiling Cat maded the urfz and Basement Cat wuz liek “i can pwn u anytimez”, n Ceiling Cat wuz liek “no u cant”, n Basement Cat wuz liek “nao u piss me off”, n Ceiling Cat writed in da starz dat somday wen he wuz liek attractive he wud hav sun that is white kitteh, but lieks black dudes too, n Basement Cat wud have sun dat is dark kitteh, n dey wud fire their lazrs in a batul until da urfs is ded. And Ceiling Cat’s sun iz Longcat, and Basement Cat’s sun iz Tacgnol, wich is nawt neerly as long as Longcat.
But Longcat had consolation (hug timez), and wuz dat he knoo Catnarok wuz not d end of da univerz. Aftah he had bin pwnd bah Ferretnir (cuz Longcat is long liek a ferret, so Ferretnir gets confoosed), and Olngact had bin pwnd bah Jormahgod, n all da odur kitteh gawds dat are long had bin pwnd in da shoopdawoop dat its gonna make wen de frost dawgs get dem, a new urfs is gonna rise agen outta da water (wich is da frost dawgs melted bah da hotness of da shoopdawoop dey’s gonna make), and da urfs are fair n green, wich meens deres a lotta grass for the moocows get fat n tasty. In dat tiem, the lolrus had found his bukkit, and so evrystuf is gud.
But b4 da battle 2 hoomins, wich are cal’d Leef and Lithraseer, wuz hided in da sacred treez-aksiz-moondy, Eggdrasil, and dey emerges aftah da Catnarok is over to hav lotsa sex (and some buttsecks 2) to fill da urfs with stoopid hoomins again, so we cans start over. And of course all da kittehs survived cuz Longcat maded dem able to live inside da urfs liek moles and play pokemans in dere until da Catnarok iz over, but da kittehs dat follawed Tacgnol cudnt do dat, so dey got ded. Also, sum of the kitteh gawds survived, like Longcat’s suns Splongcat n Lexycat n hiz brudder Shortcat, Olngact’s sunz Mudcat and Longkip, who inherited deir fader’s So I Herd U Liek Mjollkip?, and Baldrick who comed bekk from da shit.
Da Catnarok, sez da stars, wil take place aftah Caturday.